A Stream of Consciousness

manic episodes come and go
i feel insane and want it gone
what am i supposed to do again?
eat? sleep? drink water?

i want to go home
to heaven with Jesus
i pray the Lord may bless me today
or i will definitely go insane

in hopes of living a better life
i stand together with my fingers crossed
in the deepest parts of my mind
i have urges and desires i cannot obtain

needing a friend thats close is hard
as our schedules are too different to talk
my therapist is needing me to pay her
but i dont have enough for the copay

i wish it was easier to get help for my health
but paying $40 for just an hour of talking
wont make me feel any better
i need multiple hours yet none at all

i get the time to talk but then it just stops
i cant see or hear what i need to say anymore
it blows my mind how much you can say on your own
yet being unable to speak it to someone else.

depression comes and goes
i actually dont ignore this as much
i try to help my self feel better
although i end up lying back down in bed

i need exercise when it comes to this
being so down is painful
smiling makes me cry, and crying makes me wail
i wish to see my Lord in heaven

do i deserve it though?
have i not screwed up my life enough
i wish to see my family ive lost
i wishy to feel like a child again

before all my mental illnesses became a problem.
the death of my father created these things.
i pray and pray to stay true to myself
but ive hurt many people and still depend on their affection.